Not Too Late to Reach Your Teens

– Applying the Solutions (Part 2) –

Paul J. Bucknell

Part 5/5 of "Not Too Late to Reach your Teens (Applying the Solutions - Part 2)" guides parents on how to create a new vision for a renewed parent-child relationship with their teens.

Problems (Part 1): Family Problems | Solutions | Problem #1 | Problem #2 | Delinquency
Solutions (Part 2): Barriers | Let’s Solve it! | Confession | Steps of Love | New relationship

(3) Instruction on new parent-child relationship

Who would spend all the time taking down an old building and then just leave the mess there? If we are going to take it down, we should anticipate building up a new one. Confession takes down the old relationship with its guilt. Whether the child has forgiven us or not, we can go forward and start building the new relationship with him. The key element is that we have taken our own wall down. Once we have sought forgiveness, our own wall has come down. Now we can begin to express our love and touch the child's heart. As long as our own wall is up, the child cannot feel that love. Love can break through just like light breaks up darkness. The parent needs to show this, though. This is one reason our own pursuits of life must change. We will not change our lifestyle if we think it is all the child’s fault. We will be stuck in our own patterns.

Real change can begin when one side takes down their wall. The reason for this is that love can begin to cross over that barrier. It might take time for the child to acknowledge your love, but the wait is worth it. Your relationship with that child has now become very important to you, as it should be. We want to explore now how to begin building a good parent-child relationship.

Feels odd

Don’t be surprised if doing this feels funny. After all, you have not done this for a long time, if ever. Don’t make decisions according to how you feel. This is how you got into a bad situation. You do what is right because God calls you to it. You might need to remind yourself of this regularly for a while. Simply pray, “Lord, you know I used to live by what I felt was right. I made a lot of bad decisions. But now I want to live by what you want. Please help me to know and do what you want. Amen.”

Keep God’s principles out front

It is important that God’s principles are continually on our minds. Take that list of sins and, on another piece of paper, write, across from it, a couple of practical things we could do. Each of these things would be the opposite of what we have done before. For example,

Before: Yelled and didn’t talk to our child when he refused to listen to me. Now: Gently call or make a time in the future where you will talk.

Principle: You are keeping lines of communication open. You want to foster a relationship that pleases the Lord by extending care for the child even when he is in the wrong. “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy” (James 3:17).

Before: I would keep the child from church so they could study more.
Now: I will encourage the child’s spiritual growth even if this affects their grades a little.

Principle: Seek first the kingdom of God and Hid righteousness all these things shall be added to you.

Develop a vision for a good family

You want to share with them a great vision of where your family is heading. In some ways, because time is short, you will need to speak a bit more ‘loudly’ than otherwise. For example, before, you might have neglected time with the family. Perhaps you were stingy (with time or money). In this case, you would share about a trip you are planning for all to go on. Start making plans. Ask where they would like to go.

Mention how you want the whole family to seek the Lord (the dad should lead here). Admit that because you did not live by God’s Word, you would just go by your feelings (and flesh). But you know God’s principles of love are much better. You need to learn and hope everyone learns together. As a result, you will regularly meet as a family (determine time) to read God’s Word and pray together. In the accompanying chart, many different areas for establishing a ‘new’ family need to be worked out.

For example, it might be helpful to map out how future disagreements will be handled. Some families have a rule that when there is a disagreement, everyone involved must go sit at the kitchen table. While there, people take turns giving their point of view, and no one is allowed to raise their voice. If his voice is raised, then he loses his turn.

Through these different items, you, as a parent, are trying to reverse the patterns set by past sins (omissions and commissions). You want to avoid the evil things of the past and deliberately allow, encourage, and foster those that foster godly relationships. Now you will be a proactive parent, busy accomplishing what God wants done.

Summary

Much can be said about what can be done. This article was devised merely to get the family back on track. It might take a while, or it might happen very quickly. Have your friends and family pray for you. You might be so humbled by your many sins that you put it off. But it is the evil one's trick to keep it private. Do not let pride keep you from doing the right thing. He will suggest it is okay just to ‘forget’ the wrongs and do better. Sins need to be confessed to be forgiven. Satan’s shortcuts never work. In the end, it is better to let certain caring people know about your plans so that they will pray for you (especially if they are people who pray).

If you are in the ministry and things do not clear up right away, you should consider backing away from future obligations until things improve. Again, you should discuss this with your leaders who are responsible for those areas of ministry. If a parent who has been very active in the church steps back until things are running better at home, it enables him to have more time with the family and the Lord. One cannot have a good ministry (in the eyes of the Lord) unless one's family is running well.

“He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?);” 1 Timothy 3:4, 5.

You need to have a mentality that you are going to show your love to our children, even if it takes your whole life. It becomes an all-encompassing passion in your life. Your circumstances might prevent you from spending a little time with your children. You must work through that until God rectifies your situation. Perhaps you can write and become a prayer warrior for your child.

The parent who has done poorly should look at homes that are doing well. Get to know them and ask them how they do this and that.

Our Hope

As parents, we make the right decisions because this is what God wants. We hope that, through all the various changes, our home becomes a more lovely place filled with His grace. We want it to become one in which God reveals His love. We hope not only that our barriers come down, but also that one day the resentment and bitterness piled up in our children's hearts will be eliminated. Then we will be a family known by His grace. We will be what we are, not because of how good we are, but because of God’s mercy and help in restoring our home.

Problems (Part 1): Family Problems | Solutions | Problem #1 | Problem #2 | Delinquency
Solutions (Part 2): Barriers | Let’s Solve it! | Confession | Steps of Love | New Relationship