Observing Family Problems that arise when Teenagers Rebel Against their Parents

Regaining the Hearts of Your Teens

– Discovering the Root Problems (Part 1) –

Paul J. Bucknell

A Dream, No a Nightmare: The nightmare of the family.

My wife once had a dream, or perhaps it was more like a nightmare. A family huddled together in this wide open field was having a picnic. They were having a great time eating away. But unknown to them there was a great monster that was coming their way. They just didn’t see the monster. They were too focused on eating. But the shadowy monster came right for them. This is the picture of the Christian family in today’s society. They think everything is okay–until it is too late. Why do we wait until our families are devastated before we do anything about it?

What is your family like?

What is your family like, or the one that you grew up in? Depending on how old your children are and your own situation, you might already be asking some relevant question.

•Suspicious yet brave. You know something is wrong but not sure what it is. You continue on, trying to be brave, facing whatever might be coming.
•Give up. Perhaps, you are past that. You have given up on your child. His behavior is so wild or unpredictable, you decide you can’t cope with certain aspects of your child’s life.
•Focused. Or you might have settled on being content with your child just so she does well in her studies. But the parent just stays out of the rest of her life.
•Trying hard. But there are other parents who are still trying hard to have their children do well. But, to be honest, they have lots of fears and worries whether their child will turn out okay.
•Not worried. Still other parents might be wondering, “What kind of danger could be around the corner?” They have never thought about such dangers. Their children do well in studies. What is there to fear? After all, they remember when they were young. They just figure all young people go through such stages. “No, nothing to fear.”

Each group has their troubles but the last one is in the most danger. They are not even looking up from their meal. They are content. They have a good job. Their children are doing okay in school. Maybe they get only a B once in a while. Things are going well. But what kind of parent is in most danger? It is not the one that thinks something might be wrong, but the one that is not looking. I hope, no matter how well you think your family is doing, that you would pay close attention to this message. Whether your child is old or young, there is much to learn. There is no doubt that many serious dangers threaten each of our families. If we are wise, we will pay attention to what these dangers are.

Giving Up Hope

But there is a real problem. Even if we think something is wrong, parents don’t know what to do. They do not know what is wrong or how to fix it. Because of this, many have lost hope. The ‘focused’ parent mentioned above in fact has given up. But he cleverly disguises it by only focusing on what they feel best about–their studies. Somehow they deceive themselves that if they do well in their studies, then all is well. This parent also has given up hope on helping the child at the most needy areas.In fact, not a few parents, whether through the web or personally, have asked me this very question, “Is it too late to do anything with my child?” I would say, “No,” it is not too late. There are significant things we can do.

Finding a Solution

But we must not be foolish. Unless you understand the problem, you will not discover the solution. The technician that comes to your house to fix your washing machine will first try to figure out what is wrong before fixing it. At least, you hope so. Otherwise, he will fix something that is not broken and not fix what is still broken. Finding a solution requires to first discover the root problem.

And your dirty laundry just piles up with a stack of bills. The worst thing that happens is when your car is in the garage and the mechanic says that he cannot pinpoint the problem. This means that he will try and fix one thing. If that doesn’t work, he will try something else. Parents often have a long trail of fixes. Their children and they suffer. They have not understood what the problem us.So let’s get down to basics. What are the greatest threats that tempt to break apart family harmony? Let’s be as specific as we can. Each family is unique, but we also know that we face many common challenges. Here are a few.

•Their child won’t listen.

•Their child always hangs around with the wrong crowd.

•Their child is not paying close enough attention to studies.

•Their child has a real prideful attitude.

•Their child doesn’t want to go to church.

•Their child watches and listens to the wrong stuff.

•Their child might be into some kind of bad habits (porn, drinks, smokes, uses drugs).

These all might be real problems, but they are in no way the most dangerous problems. When we focus on one wrong thing that is happening, we often neglect the greater problem that allows these other problems to occur.

But even far worse, is to totally leave God out of the picture. We might try to get them to church, but this is again far too superficial. God has said more about these things than we can think. God cares. God, furthermore, knows what the problem is. He has identified it. Even better. He knows the solution and has offered to help us.

He has revealed so many truths, but we give Him far too little time to help us. He knows the problem, but we don’t ask Him. He knows the solution, but we don’t trust His help. Can we at this point turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help us in our need? Remember, our greatest need might be that we do not see the danger at all.

Dear Lord of Heaven and Maker of all, please be gracious to us in this hour. We have heard many people give their opinions. We might even have gone to this or that counselor. They have fancy titles by their names, but they are not the Creator. We have looked in many places for solutions, but never have really considered that you have can help us. Forgive us, O Lord. Forgive us in Jesus Christ’s Name.

You want us to really seek your ways and to know that they are great. Now we do care about our families, but tonight, we ask that you would show how great your knowledge and ways are by helping us all out with these serious family problems–even when we don’t think we can do anything about it. Even when we don’t think that there are any serious problems out there. Please be patient with us. We have not been doing a good job parenting.

You are our great Father in Heaven, come teach and share a few things from your room full of treasures that might cause our hearts to bless you, that our families might turn to you, and that the world would see how great you are! In Christ’s Name we pray. Amen.

Next: Finding the Right Solution!

Top of page | Email us | Previous | BFF Homepage | Family Index

Biblical Foundations for Freedom

Paul J. Bucknell

Please notice the other BFF articles related on the family below!

Parenting Seminar

Parenting Perspectives

Parenting Challenges

Principles & Practices of Biblical Parenting

Biblical Parenting Principles provides helpful teaching on forming a godly family. This series provides good reading material with handouts and diagrams. (Chinese)

#1 The Goals of Parenting (Spanish)
Understand the key role God's goals for the family have in shaping godly children.
#2 One Great Team: Dad & Mom
The responsibility, need and ability for husbands to work along with their wives as teammates in order to produce godly children.
#3 Parental Authority
Understand the parents' responsibility to govern their children and to properly put it in effect in the home.
#4 Developing Self-Control in our Children
The need and means of cultivating self-control in our children from an early age in order that they may please God and focus on serving others.

#5 Child Training & Routines (New)
Enable parents to understand, use and create effective routines to further the training of toddlers and older children.
#6 Correcting Your Children
Properly deal with disobedient children so that they might become joyful family members.
#7 Discipline & Use of Rod
A scriptural perspective of discipline and ways to properly administer the rod.
#8 Setting Boundaries
Set up, implement and maintain proper and effective boundaries for our children.
#9 Raising Godly Children
Applying biblical principles to provide proper spiritual care for our children.
#10 Developing Intergenerational Love
Enable parents to show God's love and truth to their own parents and in-laws during visits with each other.
#11 Restoring Older Children
Even though we have made mistakes, we must not give up on our teens and older children. Lots of advice stemming from biblical principles are given to enable you to restore your children to your loving authority.

Check out our Famly Library for all our resources!

Harmony in Parenting – Discipline
The need and process of harmony among parents is well illustrated. Special focus is given on the area of discipline.

Fathers Learn Effective Leadership
Fathers, improve your leadership! Learn from God's example what to do when those under your authority do not obey.

Godly Beginnings for the Family series helps parents start right: filled with lots of practical advice for prebirth, birth and postbirth accompanied with reading, handouts and clear illustrations on early training. Check above for downloads.

#1 Family Commitment
Making a commitment to raising godly children helps parents and children to withstand the influences of this evil generation.
#2 Family Foundations
Family Planning
Husband-Wife Roles
Start right; end right! Shows how greatly our decisions and assumptions impact our parenting.
#3 God's Family Health Plan
Once we start looking at the scriptures, we are astounded how much God speaks about our health. God really does care for us. We need only to obey.
#4 Preparations for Childbirth
Childbirth is a miracle. Now if we would only stop interfering with God's ways our births would be better and easier.
#5 Tender Newborn Care
Care for the mother and child afterbirth is important. Detailed suggestions as well as routines are provided for both Mom and baby.
#6 The Challenge of Child Training
Now that we have the child, how do we effectively train up a godly child? Start young!
#7 Disciplining and Training Small Children
Come discover how to properly use discipline in the training of your young children.
#8 Setting up Godly Routines for Young Children
Routines is our key to building training into a child's life. It works with one or ten children.

Discipling Children in Anger
Instructive charts on how one can stop correcting children in anger.

Setting Television Standards
Set standards on watching movies by reflecting on Indiana Jones and Psalm 36.

Priorities for Family and Life
This chart shows the overall perspective on life and how family fits into it.

Connecting Love with Discipline - Discover why love requires discipline -Hebrews 12.

Discipling your sons: The why and way
Should a father disciple his sons? How does he go about it?

Having a great marriage is the best start for being good parents. See our Marriage Navigator for more than 60 articles on marriage!

Is Birth Control Christian? (New)
Shows how to understand Genesis 1:28 in our modern society.

Recovering Biblical Parenting
Ten differences between secular and biblical parenting are clearly outlined and discussed.

Can my son wearing earrings?
Clear teaching on how to set godly standards in a changing culture.

Decay in society
The decay in society is clearly outlined in a chart in three stages from Romans 1:18-32.

The Moral Slide of Sin
Filled with charts depicting the connection between cultural and personal decay.

Personal Impact
This chart from Galatians 6:7-8 reminds us of the personal impact of each family member on the whole.

Parents' Impact on their Children
This chart from Exodus 20:5-6 shows the tremendous influence parents have on their children and following generations.

Devastating Effects of Secular Parenting
The terrible effects of secular parenting practices are seen in the results.

Passing On a Love for God
See David's intense love for God and the people pass on to Solomon's life through the two appearances of God to him.

Need of Parental Love
The dynamics of love and its effect on our children.

Theology of the Family
A Biblical framework for the family shows how the family institution fits into God's overall plan.

Building Respect for Authority
Parenting has a great impact on children. Look how a gifted child can go wrong by spoiling them. Understand more on the importance of disciplining our children.