Understanding Our Differences

Session #5

Description: 'Understanding Our Differences' helps engaged couples to both identify and appreciate their spouse's differences and how to handle conflict that arises.

We have discussed decision making and ways to resolving conflict, but it is helpful to realize why one's spouse might have differing opinions. After all, if the couple is going to have a successful marriage, then they need to learn to appreciate and positively look at their fiancee. By understanding differences between male/female, personalities, gifts and varying backgrounds, then one can better appreciate why their mate is so different from them.

Some counselors prefer to use more expensive and sophisticated tests. I have found that so much time and money can be used that the whole point of the session can be missed. I want to emphasize the the way one gains appreciation of each other. I want to them feel that they cannot do without each other. (That was the reason to record Adam's naming of the animals). Their commitment to their mate will work together with the realization how their to-be spouse so wonderfully meets their need and help spurt them forward into better knowing each other. Some feel more comfortable with a more sophistaced testing device. If so, use it!

Tim LaHaye has provided some of these forms in his books on temperament. These charts came from Your Temperament: Discover Its Potential. You should receive the temperament forms back before the session so that you can tally them up. Tallying does not take long, but it is necessary to get a general sense of what each of them are like and to see the opposites. By seeing how different the two are helps point out potential problems. Positively looked at, if one appreciates one another, then one will take advantage of the other person's gift! Encourage them to buy and read the book.

How do I tally the sheets? I tally up the points in each quadrant. I ignore the 1,2,3's. Each 4 gets one point and each 5 gets two points. This immediately shows the strength or weakness of each area and how much stronger or weaker it is than the other (especially when the couple gives me some completed sheets on the spot!). I focus on the two stronger quadrants but also try to spot how weaknesses might make the couple prone to some problems.

Time Distribution:

Discuss any Homework (0-10')

- Any followup on the financial questions?
- Are they still praying and reading God's Word together?

Discuss Handout #5 (75') (Click here)

Purpose of Understanding Differences

- Several reasons: warn them of potential problems and appreciate the unique gifts in the other.
Understanding Our Differences

- Differences can bother us if we do not rightly appreciate our mate. We will, after all, spend our lives with our partner.
Go over the charts.

- Spend time going over your observations of the charts and answering any questions. Integrate your observations in the previous two points.

- Our Needed Commitment

The commitment needed to bind the couple together is the most important aspect of marriage. Both need to love no matter what. Conclude by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a together.

End with prayer requests and prayer (10')

Assign take-home work

- Finish The Family: God's Weapon for Victory by Robert Andrews.

- Have them positively pray for each other through the week.

- Make sure honeymoon plans are set (without the parents!)

We will next look at love in marriage. Next ->