The Purpose:
To break the impasse that couples face with the piling up of 'communication' problems.

The Method:
Renewal comes only when people expose themselves and their marriages to God's scriptural principles. By encouraging the couple with the reality of God promises in a few minor areas, hope and confidence is developed in God's Word for more serious problems.

The Premises:

• That most if not all 'communication problems' are rooted in sins. We can cover then up and pretend they are not sins, but the scriptures speak otherwise. If something is able to damage a relationship, then at some point self–oriented attitudes have replaced a loving attitude. Psalm 107:10-11,34 testifies that a broken marriage is evidence of unconfessed and unrepentant sin.
  
  
• That a person is not aware or easily able to see their own sins and thus does not naturally seek reconciliation. This meeting helps bring men and women to where they need to be. Jesus said this in John 3:19-21.
  And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.
  
  
• When people start acknowledging their own sins before God and each other, God's Spirit begins to refresh and help His people. Suddenly, God's great goodness is seen through His forgiveness and hope for improvement through restoration is gained. (2 Chronicles 6:26-27, whole chapter).
  
  

The Steps

Note: If the couple can have a person (1) that they both respect and is knowledgeable of the scripture together with them during this process, it will help tremendously. If the couple desires to do this privately, make sure their hearts are humble enough to quietly listen to each other (this is not easy- often need an objective voice).

Step #1 Have the couple read aloud and reflect on Psalm 107:33-35	Ask Describe the two pictures below. Which picture more accurately describes your marriage now.                     Read and Explain Read Psalm 107:33-35. He changes rivers into a wilderness, And springs of water into a thirsty ground; A fruitful land into a salt waste, Because of the wickedness of those who dwell in it. He changes a wilderness into a pool of water, And a dry land into springs of water; The couple should see their marriage is more similar to the wilderness picture where the ground is thirsty (verse 33). Something is being withheld. What is being withheld? God's blessings? God's love? Ask What does God do to this dried up pool of water in verse 35? Ask them directly whether God can change their marriage back to even a more beautiful than it was before.
Step #2 Pray aloud using Psalm 107:33-35 as a basis.	"Dear Lord, we come to you because we are broken. What we have in front of us is a thirsty ground. A dried up pool. Lord, pools were made to spring forth water. They were designed to bring life to those around them. Lord, this marriage is like a pool that has gone dry and is cracked by the hot son. We need your life. We need your forgiveness. We need you to bring a miracle into this barren pool that it might again flow with life and water and be a blessing to many around them. Again, only you can do this. It says, "He changes a wilderness into a pool of water." We now specifically ask that you bring this couple to this abundance. In the powerful Name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.
Step #3 Identify the issues	Have each person privately write down the three most troublesome things that his or her partner does. You can have them answer the questions, "I really get upset when my spouse _______________________." "I really would wish my spouse would change the way he/she ________________."
Step #4 Classify each grievance	Write down next to each grievance whether it is a sin or just some form of preference or choice. If you say it is a sin, then write down what scripture is being violated. Don't get frustrated. If you can't think of any, it is okay. We will work on them later. Remember it can be an action or the neglect of an action. It can be attitude as well as something someone has done. (If the couple is working on this alone, they can do this as an assignment).
Step #5 Exchange and examine the problems	Exchange papers and review the problems your spouse has against you. Especially note whether you can agree with the classification on whether it is a sin or not.
Step #6 Review together	Start with the husband's list. For each area of sin on his list, see if he knows of any scripture passage that would speak against it. Have him find it and then read it. After him, the wife needs to do the same. If either of them have difficulty for one reason or another, the advisor can help them find those passages.
Step #7 Reflect on God's Word	Go back to Psalm 107:33-34. What specifically caused the pool to go dry? We need to understand that it is wickedness that emptied the pool of life and water. He changes rivers into a wilderness, And springs of water into a thirsty ground; A fruitful land into a salt waste, Because of the wickedness of those who dwell in it. (Psalms 107:33,34). Next go to Psalm 107:10-12. What reason does the text give for their living in darkness and in chains? There were those who dwelt in darkness and in the shadow of death, Prisoners in misery and chains, Because they had rebelled against the words of God, And spurned the counsel of the Most High. Therefore He humbled their heart with labor; They stumbled and there was none to help. (Psalms 107:10-12). Some sins in our life are more readily detectable than others. Down underneath surface actions are words, thoughts and attitudes that support our wrong actions. These do not please the Lord. Our goal is not to speak on all of them now but to isolate a few and humble ourselves before the Lord. The premise of this study is that we make excuses for our sins. As long as we can call it a communication 'problem' instead of sin (e.g. got angry), then the problems remain and no forgiveness is received. This pride creates an impasse and so the water dries up.
Step #8 Time to repent	If the grievance is seen by both sides to be only a difference of preference, skip over it for now. It is important, but it should be dealt with later. Read aloud Psalm 107:13-16. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble; He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their bands apart. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, And for His wonders to the sons of men! For He has shattered gates of bronze, And cut bars of iron asunder. Have the husband confess (agree with) out loud his sins before the Lord and ask for forgiveness. Then have the wife do the same. Be specific. Don't leave any items out. Remember you might not know how to stop doing it or might feel that you can't do it, but by acknowledging your sin openly and plead to God for help and forgiveness, He will bring help. God the Spirit is your true Counselor.
Step #9 Apologize to each other	When one person has wronged another, they need to apologize to each other. The man goes first. 1) Specifically acknowledge your own sins (not the other's!) 2) Say, "Please forgive me." 3) Wait for an answer. If no response, again gently say, "Will you please forgive me?" Some people have difficulty forgiving another because they believe that by forgiving them that emotional hurt or pain is not important. Actually, a sincere apology admits to the pain and confesses an offense has been made. It is true we sometimes have suffered a tremendous amount of pain, but just like God did for us. He forgave us. God wants to restore your relationship so no more pain will occur.
Step #10 Follow up	Each side needs to see if there is any follow up action. If he has been drinking, then he needs to put aside his alcohol and start paying special attention to her. If she has been bitter, she needs to purposely care for him. Changing feels funny but remember it is the way the pool is filled up again. Soon the good habits become habitual and protect your relationship.

The Summary
We want you to realize that this is just an initial meeting where communication can be restored. Sometimes deeper problems lie underneath the problems mentioned above. Actually, one can go through these steps several times. Go until there are no more grievances. You will be able to get down to those problems in time if you really desire. Sometimes you will not be able to know how to solve different problems. That is okay. In the meantime practice patience, love and kindness. Give your frustrations and selfishness to the Lord. Remember, the LORD is your helper.

For issues that continue, meet with a pastor/elder who loves God's Word. Pray to God on his behalf that God will heal your lives. (Read Psalm 1:1-2 (2) for guidance on finding someone to help).

If a person is not willing to forgive, he or she must be reminded of God's example and instruction. If we do not forgive, then we will not be forgiven. The pain goes extremely deep in some cases. But they need to be coaxed to come to the cross where much more undeserved pain was suffered by Jesus Christ for our own sins. If we were treated in grace, then we need to so treat others. Revenge is the Lord's.