Why submission? Threats to Initmacy: Ephesians 5:22

Many lessons are learned in the battlefield of experience. My wife and I were having problems over a certain issue that had happened in the morning. At least, that was the problem we were talking about for more than an hour before she said, "It actually started before that." The key point is that we were thick in the middle of trying to iron out a discussion when several key points were being taught to me that keep a husband and wife from intimacy.

This was a typical husband saying, "What was wrong with that?" "Do you need to get so upset about such a matter?" The wife responding, "You just don't understand." Subtle accusations seem to rumble like distant thunderstorms. Everything seemed to be going so well and then suddenly a great divide had come between the couple.

The story in the garden highlights what is going on in many of these situations. Unless the couple is aware of the tendency for the relationship to be threatened, ill responses will otherwise fracture the marriage. What we will explain will answer the dual question, "Why does the scripture the wife to submit to her husband and the husband to love his wife?" This has often plagued sincere Christians in their pursuit for a good marriage. And yes, if the couple just did this, the marriage would always be improving.We want to share with you why obedience to these commands work.

Let us start with an excellent marriage where intimacy is common. The couple deeply share their heart, souls and lives with each other. The two are functioning as the scriptures has said 'one.' They love their relationship together. But all of a sudden there appears a sudden rift in that oneness. There is a shunning. A separation. It happened so suddenly and then all the warmth was gone. A cold shoulder. A critical eye. A turned back. All of these have seem to brought into question the actual oneness of the relationship.

In fact they are the same couple. One thing has happened. There was some issue that was understood usually by the wife that troubled her as to whether the husband really loved her. From this suspicion grew doubt and the wife would shun the husband to some degree. The wife might just be silently fuming or adding to it a volley of hostile words. Perhaps this can be likened to a piece of cardboard that is put between two people. They can no longer see each other depending how big the cardboard is.

This problem is further complicated when the husband responds wrongly to her shunning. Any response but pure love causes an eruption to occur. Love is patient and kind. Love is not trying to defend ones wrong or accuse the other. Love warmly accepts his precious spouse. Any wrong reaction will cause the wife to be able to justify her wrong conclusions. This will cloud up the issue and prolong it days and maybe even weeks. A husband's impatience, anger or walking out intensify her deception by easily confirming her doubts.

Something might have been done wrong originally but not necessarily. If there is a wrong done by the husband, he should state the problem, confess his wrong and maintain a steady love. But sometimes, a husband has not done anything wrong and yet this whole debacle arises. The wife might feel some arrogant man is writing this, but we need to return to the scriptures and see this is exactly the problem that the scriptures point at.

Eve was deceived in the garden. There was nothing wrong. God nor her husband had wronged her. 1 Timothy 2:14 testifies,

And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression.

Neither of them had done anything wrong up to that point. Even without anything being done wrong, deception can creep up to the eyes of a woman of God. It comes in the form of temptation. If she receives it, then she will act upon it even though it is not real. Again, let it be affirmed that men often do wrong things and say things in otherwise than good and edifying ways. Man does sin. In this case, as the scriptures has, we are focusing on the real problem rather than a secondary problem.

One might ask, "Why do you call the man's sin as secondary and the woman's primary?!" Sin is always sin. However, we are trying to get past the barrier that blocks us from quickly solving our marital problems. This problem is no doubt why so many reasons marriages get sour and stay bad. In my instance (my wife gave me permission for sharing this), for example, I was charged with not being responsible for putting something away that I had used. This seemed like the whole problem, but it was not.

But why if this matter normally can be cleared up by a few words is at this time becomes a great divide? The problem is exacerbated when the wife begins to question the relationship rather than focusing on the problem. There is no doubt this happens to a man at times but it is pointed out to a particular problem of the woman. She was designed differently and is more susceptible to temptation that would question a relationship.

When a relationship is questioned, she gets very insecure. She is getting anxious over its meaning and perhaps long term ramifications. The husband often is perplexed over this issue that he gets upset and another problem is piled on top of the original one. In fact, though, a pure constant love will help the wife early on see that it is not the relationship that is being threatened. She does not need to be anxious. She can be calm and discuss the issue in a kind and unsuspicious ways.

The basic problem is this questioning of what is most important - the relationship. The man has no easy way to discuss the issue which often doesn't seem so 'big a deal.' The wife is already suspicious of any of his responses. She sees him as trying to pretend innocence. Men sometimes do this. Agreed. But in these cases, there is accusation before giving any kind and loving attempt to solve the matter. The wife has a hard time not getting bitter. A man might have doen the same thing several times, but this time she is all accusations and doesn't even seem to want to solve the matter. The more the man says, the more the situation flares up.

This volatile situation probably occurs because the woman has become anxious. Some deep value that she believed was solved by the marriage or her husband at this point has not been satisfied. She is convinced it does not. We will make a few suggestions on how both the wife and husband can solve this rather repeatable scene.