How do you recover your lost affections for your loved one?

By Paul J. Bucknell

When we have gone through the most significant checks on things that hurt a husband and wife relationship, sometimes we will see that there is a loss of affection. This loss of affection can affect the demonstration of love and intimacy and cause great frustration in the marriage. Even good marriages might face times like this. If not rightly dealt with, the marriage can go through a very rough and stormy time.

There are things to do on both sides of this situation. Firstly though, let us remember that our heart affections are closely meshed with our feelings. Other phsycial and circumstantial situations affect these feelings. We should not gauge the validity of our relationship on our feelings. Marriage is different from other relationships because it is built on covenant rather than preference. What is commonly heart today is, "I don't love him or her; I guess I need to get a divorce."

Fantasy Partners and Adultery
We should first have an honest and calm discussion about whether ones heart is cast upon another. Adultery is a real problem for both husbands and wives. The more the wife works outside the home, the more this becomes a possibility. But neighbors too can be a potential problem. Men have problems where they regularly meet women in private situations. Hosea saw the damage of his wife's disloyalty. Adultery starts in the heart. If dreams or fantasy are part of either spouses mind, they need to be stopped. 'Heart disease' leads to 'heart attack.' Deal with the disease. Some people regularly practice 'spouse substitution' where they dream or imagine being with other partners. This is not harmless but cancerous. If this does continue, you can be sure the relationship is just functioning at a physical level and the intimacy of ones marriage is gone. Honesty hurts, but one needs to get serious with the problem. Confession and repentance is necessary.

Marriage is not based on feelings but on covenant.

Scared of Sharing Feelings
What holds many couples from being honest is the fear that if anything is said about their disaffections for their partner that the marriage will fall apart. They are fearful of what their own feelings mean and of their partner's response. But darkness proceeds in the darkness. We need to bring the truth to light (Ephesians 5:7-11). "And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11, NASB)

Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feeelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings. This is critical in any discussion about feelings—or the lack of them—for each other. Because the couple is married, divorce is not an option. They are not talking about that. The wedding might be dependent upon feelings but not the marriage. The marriage must go on. But if the feelings are not honestly dealt with, then the intimacy will suffer. Frustration grows. Difficulties and misunderstandings can easily grow. At this point, people feel there is no hope for the marriage itself. Marriages can always be renewed if there is hope and willingness to put away adulterous affairs.

Issue of True Love
Others will feel untrue or hypocritical if they make love but do not feel love. We must remember, however, that love is not primarily a feeling. Love is a commitment of care. Love often needs to operate without warm feelings. The mother loves the child and changes the baby even when she has not good feelings or feelings at all in the middle of the night. Marriage is based on this loving commitment made on our wedding day. "Whethr for good or bad, sickness or health, ... unto death due us part." True love is characterized by faithfulness more than feeling. The feelings make things so much more enriching, eventful and delightful, but they are not always there.

Husbands Special Guidelines
A husband more than likely will find times when his wife is unresponsive and cold. Men need to understand that women's systems run differently than their own. More than likely, this will be but a temporary transition time. How temporary? Who knows? But men need to fight their fears, feelings, and frustrations.

• Fears about the relationship should cause enough alarm that the husband will lovingly enquire if her former affections are cast upon another person. Once this is eliminated, then one needs to simply remind his spouse that their marriage is covenant based not feeling based. He will keep loving her but awaits her affections to return.
• His own feelings can be hurt. He might hear words that sting. How would you deal with words like, "I don't love you anymore." What she means, more than likely, is "I don't have warm feelings for you anymore." It is okay to grieve, but we need to carefully monitor and control our thoughts. We might hear the voice, "Well, so that is what you get!" This is of the devil not the Spirit. The devil will want you to give up on the marriage. Instead you biblically think, this is my high calling to love her even when it is difficult. This is when she most needs my faithfulness. No doubt other evil thoughts might also come to our minds. We must discern them and come back each time with confirmation of our total love and allegiance no matter what. In fact, we should share of our persistent love, care and affection for our wives.
  
  
• Frustrations are of two kinds. There is first of all the emotional frustration of "Why is she like this again!" It is possible this is something she regularly goes through during different cycles of life. Maybe a certain problem in her own family during a certain time of year, fluctuation of hormones, or plain old exhaustion. Love is patient. Love is enduring. We might be frustrated, but we can remind ourselves that this is our great opportunity to show her our true love that might not otherwise be easily seen. Yes, it is a test of our faithfulness to the Lord.
  
  It can also be a time of physical or sexual frustration. Men might express their desires, show special acts of kindness, but all seem to be wasted. No go. This will be a time of deep testing of our fidelity. Will we run off with fantasies, begin to think about how other women are better, desire another woman, get involved in pornography, etc.? This is an honorable test of your true commitment to your wife. At this point, your warm feelings might have disappeared too! But that does not matter. It is temporary. What is more important is that you love your wife like the Lord has loved you. Wait for her. Tenderly treat her as if she is not depriving you. Remember that marriage is based on commitment before God. Don't veer from this.

Love as Christ loved the church. The church ought to be caught up in affection for her Lord, but she oftentimes is worldly. There is no affection. The Lord never stops His love for His real people. Love endures. There sadly are consequences, but they come from the Lord and can hopefully be used to restore things as they should be. The bottom line, however, is that the husband's love must be passionately fervent. He needs to love as His Savior loves. He must realize that, as Ephesians 5 teaches, it is in this context that certain wrinkles in his wife's life can be removed. This process is not always easy. Just think if you were at the bottom of the hot iron!