Session #2

Life Principle #1: Unconditional Love

A great building is built from a great blueprint. In the same way, great marriages are built by God’s glorious blueprint. Bad marriages do not result from an imperfect design but from builders who don’t build according to God’s plans!

There are two other dangers to be aware of. First, there are those who do not build according to the truth. They might profess to know the truth, but they simply don’t build by the instructions. Jesus had some hard words for them.

“And everyone who hears these words of Mine, and does not act upon them, will be like a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand” (Matthew 7:26).

I have heard many spouses say that they can’t change: “That’s just the way I am.” It often really means, “I won’t change.” In other words, they know what is right (the truth) but minimize or excuse the need to change. There is also another danger.

Bad marriages are aggravated by the fact that many people are convinced that their actions are according to the Lord’s Word. Many times, though, they are wrong. This is even more difficult to overcome when pride is mixed in. So some know the truth but don’t live it. Others think they know the truth but base their practices on falsehood. In either case we are not to blame the design but the “builders” who ignore the blueprint.

It is for this reason that we want to spend several sessions focusing on God’s truth or blueprint for marriage. The truths behind marriage are so powerful that they make me weep when I think of them. You might wonder why. Let me explain the reason.

A. God’s Design for Marriage

God created marriage not just to organize society and have happy couples or even to have children, but also to enable us to better understand the glorious truths of God. Perhaps you can better understand it like this. When God wanted to make a most wonderful relationship for mankind, He took the best model possible. Where was that found? It was found in the Godhead. When we peer into the design of marriage, we are peering into the heart of God. Paul speaks about this mystery in Ephesians,

"For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." (Ephesians 5:31, 32)

Marriage is described as a mystery. Marriage is earthly, but it also is a type of God’s redemptive plan. God enables us to understand mysterious spiritual truths by better understanding earthly relationships. Here are three marriage analogies:

God created marriage in order to fully reveal His love on earth. It is this mystery that Paul alludes to in chapter 5 of Ephesians. We will explore these wonderful plans today. There are three aspects we will explore. We will first introduce the overall design and then address the first aspect of a great marriage. Now remember, these are holy truths. You might sense alarming moments as you look into these things of God. Don’t be afraid. Let the truths of God speak to our heart. God desires to reveal the greater heavenly pattern to help us have better marriages. We do not only want to learn the truths but also carefully apply them to our lives so that we can have great marriages!

There are three life principles that make great marriages: (1) Unconditional love, (2) Inner Fulfillment, and (3) Together forever. Each is distinct but fully integrated with the others. The deeper we look into these truths, we see the beauty of God’s redemptive plan working out their grace and goodness in our marriages. As we understand these principles, we will be able to know how to improve our marriages but be able to provide good counsel for others.

Let us now turn our attention to the first life principle: Unconditional Love.

B) Description of God’s Love

The husband is to love his wife with God’s love. God’s love has several characteristics. If our love falls short of these qualities, then we should no longer call what we do love.^[1] The apostle Paul uses the Greek word ‘agape’ to describes this love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and elsewhere in the New Testament.^[2]

Upon reading that passage, we readily admit that unless God is shaping our lives and thoughts, there is no way we will be able to consistently love our wives. Our pride, desires and society’s pressures might induce us to act in a manner that seems loving, but these activities have shallow roots and cannot stand up to the real tests of life.

God’s love is characterized by unconditional, no strings attached, acts of care. These loving acts are produced from a heart of love. The scriptures state that God’s nature is love, “God is love.” From that desire or perspective came forth a plan to extend that compassionate love into the world. This is what we know as His redemptive plan. God sent Jesus Christ into the world to extend His love and compassion. We as rebellious sinners in no way deserved this kind favor. We did not deserve His love to be extended to us even for a moment. But God’s love sent Christ to die on the cross to take away our sins.

“We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

In this example, we find that Christ totally devoted Himself to loving someone who did not deserve it. His commitment did not depend on the reaction of God’s people to Him, but on His determination to extend His love to the church in obedience to God the Father. So how would we describe this love?

a) Unconditional love.

God’s love is unconditional in the fullest sense of the word. His love was not dependent on a good or proper response to Him from His people. It was not dependent upon any good thing He saw in us. Love rides on the back of grace. In fact, we were unable to properly respond to Him. Mankind was too absorbed in grabbing for what he wanted to recognize or respond to the Lord’s love. When we translate this life principle over to marriage, we realize that we husbands, and men in general, need to live by principle rather than by feeling or situation. We do what we are called to do – regularly and constantly love our wives.

Unconditional, no strings attached, love results in long-term marriages because it is not dependent on how the wife may respond to the husband at any given moment. It seems that the Lord has given husbands a special monthly test during a wife’s period where wives often get cranky and critical. Does our kindness vary during these times?

b) Compassionate love.

Compassionate love is only one way of describing God’s tenderness, mercy, grace, kindness and goodness toward us in Christ. God did not send a Savior who, out of a sense of duty only, performed great noble acts of love. Instead we find the Savior to be gentle, one who identified with our needs. Again, the call as husbands is to extend the unequivocal goodness of God to our wives through our compassionate actions, thoughts, words and attitudes.

Husbands must go beyond providing food and shelter only. These things are good. He might even make personal sacrifices for the home. But God’s love will also shape his relationship with his wife. He will speak with kind words. He will have a gentle caring touch. He will be patient when misunderstood or even wrongly accused of sin.

c) Devoted love.

God’s love is also a devoted love. A devoted love reveals a priority of kind action despite the challenges and distractions of life. We see this devotion on the night before Jesus’ death.

“Father, if Thou art willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Thine be done” (Luke 22:42).

Jesus asked if there was any other way to fulfill God’s purpose. But His highest priority was not to escape discomfort, displeasure, embarrassment, shame, sharp pain, rejection, mocking, injustice and finally death, but to devotedly give Himself for the sake of His future bride–the church.^[3]

Our devotion to our wives must be fixed and unchanging. By prioritizing our care for our wives even in view of possible danger or suffering, we reflect the devotion that God has toward us. Abraham did the opposite when he gave up his wife to the king. He was afraid that he would be killed so his beautiful wife could be taken. Our delight in our wives must not be focused on her beauty or joy in the relationship (though these things are nice), but on our commitment to care for her. This is what makes the wedding vow so powerful. The husband is making a commitment to be devoted to his wife whether in sickness or health, poverty or wealth.

I just attended the memorial service for a good faithful brother in the church. He set a wonderful example of faithfulness for our congregation. His wife, because of some disease, was not very coherent and needed assistance in her wheelchair. Each week he would bring her to church. He would carry her wheelchair up the church stairs and then assist her. Although he missed out on many opportunities to spend time with others over the years, he devoted himself to caring for her since his retirement. This was God’s devoted love given to a man to grant to his wife.

Our wives know when we are devoted to them because of our simple commitment to love them.

Summary

Husbands do not naturally have this unconditional, compassionate and devoted love. This is only received by exposing our needy lives before the Living God. We must plead that His love would freely flow to our wives through our feeble lives. We must confess that we cannot do it on our own. But we can and must follow through on our commitment to express this holy love. God can strengthen us.

I have personally discovered that the more I simply focus on my commitment to love my wife as Christ loved me, that life becomes easier. I am better able to jump over other temptations because I am no longer deliberating over whether I should forgive or help out. I identify my purpose in life with loving my wife. Most of the battles rage because we have not made that commitment. We have taken the marriage vows, but I recommend that you renew your commitment to love your wife as one of your main purposes in life.

God designed the husband to take the initiative in bringing a constant shower of unconditional love and kindness to his wife. God describes the husband’s love as an uncompromising sacrifice in Ephesians.

“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28).

C) The Choice of Love

Love is the supreme choice. A man has two possible responses to God’s love through Jesus Christ. He can accept it or reject it. He can be influenced by God’s love or shun it. If we embrace His love and determine to love, we love. When we refuse His love, then our response is shaped by our own will, desires or social expectations.

(1)  The kinds of love

The Greek has three words for our English word for ‘love.’ Only agape love is a love that gives even when it gets nothing in return. Agape love responds to the responsibility to meet the needs of others regardless of the situation. What kind of love does your marriage run on?

The New Testament uses the Greek word agape to describe God’s gracious love that in turn should drive the husband to consistently love his wife. He doesn’t love everyone with that devotion. He commits himself to love his wife. The Greek word eros describes a passionate love often used in sexual contexts (note the derived English word ‘erotic’). Philia on the other hand describes a trade-off love, “You are nice to me and I am nice to you.” We see this kind of love happening in families and with friends.

Three Kinds of Marriages: Built on three kinds of love

①.      Marriage built on lust

The lust-oriented excitement that eros marriage provides fades very quickly. Those who base their marriage on sexual desire will soon look elsewhere for more excitement. Once offenses build up, it is no longer possible to have fun at home. This is one of the reasons this crowd is trying to gain the same privileges for their partner lifestyles.

②.      Marriage built on expected kindness

Philia love wears thin very quickly too. If my spouse is mean to me, should I return the meanness? Where does it end? If the way I respond to my spouse is dependent on how they treat me, then there will be a slow movement toward death. Because of our sin nature, we need a love that is not dependent on how the other person responds to us.

③.      Marriage built on covenant love

Covenant love agrees to love because of the commitment we make to our wives. We love because we are supposed to. Of course our love’s source is God’s love for us. Christ loved us first. God brought love into the world; He loved the unlovely. The clearer the husband can commit himself to this sacrificial love, the stronger that love gets. This love can also be seen in the Old Testament through the word ‘lovingkindness’ (Hebrew hesed). It is a covenant love. I love because I am committed to love.

(2) The need for love

Husbands are told to love because they are prone to live self-oriented ways. Love is so necessary for the cultivation of the wife’s glorious being. Love is the motivating power to treat others well no matter how that person responds to you. In many cases it would seem that our wives do not at all deserve kind acts. This is possibly true. But this is the age of grace not judgment. We are called to imitate Christ and refuse to stand in judgment on others including our wives. While judgment is God’s duty, forgiveness is man’s responsibility. We plead for grace to live out mercy and kindness. Our business and duty is to treat others as they ought to be treated because they are made in the image of God.

In marriage there are many, many opportunities to express this unconditional love. Sometimes it has to do with how one spends his free time. Does he choose to spend a portion of that time with his wife interacting with her? Does he show his attraction for her by delighting himself in her? Opportunities to love abound. We must not think that the only place this love is expressed is in bed! Love requires us to always be sensitive to the needs of our wives.

(3) The test of love

Marriage becomes an excellent testing ground that reveals the sincerity and depth of love. Day after day, night after night, husbands are given opportunities to love their wives.

The marriage creates an intense context within which the level of love can grow rapidly. We have many opportunities to simply love our wives. On the other hand, hatred can rapidly increase if we are not purposeful in our love. If we turn back from our responsibility to love, then we will turn to our lustful desires. As we lessen our attention to loving our wives, we become more easily attracted to other women.

(4) The Source of Love

We don't naturally possess this kind of love. Self-love interferes with other-love. Examples of love can and should be understood from surrounding conditions like good parental example. Without Christ, we cannot love unconditionally. When a person becomes a Christian, God's love is implanted in their lives. As God's child, the husband is able to draw upon the strength and example of God to help him love his wife as Christ loved the church. This divine love is so essential to Christian living that God says if we do not have love, then we are not of Him.

"If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also." (1 John 4:20-21)

(5) Forgiveness & love

Love means we forgive. We cannot grant our wives forgiveness from God. Only God can do that. When a person does wrong to another, he becomes a moral debtor. He held back the good and right action that was owed. As long as the debt stands between them, the relationship will incur all sorts of mistrust. But if we forgive, then we are releasing the moral debt that person owes us. We can continue on in growing trust in our relationships. We must choose not to take revenge but instead to treat the other with kindness.

We forgive as Christ forgave;

We accept as Christ accepted;

We hope as Christ hoped.

(6) Patience and love

Love requires that we put aside our own preferences for the sake of another. How true this is in marriage. In the end, the issue is the same. We pay close attention to what she or he likes. This means we wait patiently. It might mean we don't even get the attention that we would like. We should gently communicate our needs to the one we love, but we cannot make demands.

Our primary reason for being here is to love. If I can please my best friend, then I am happy indeed. Lust stains the very path it creates because it is focused on self. When self reigns, then there is no sensitivity except to one's own needs or wants! When our minds are working to satisfying our own desires, we are figuring a way to get more! We are not thinking about how to give more.

Love is patient. Love means that sometimes we are not loved back. Loving means we sometimes have to wait a long time. Old Testament Law commanded that there be no marital relations during the wife's menstrual period or for a time after the birth of a baby.^[4] Would you let your mind and body wander at this time? Or would you exercise self-control to show your loyal devotion to your wife?

“On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come” (1 Timothy 4:7-8).

Love exercises self-control because through it we can manifest God’s love. In Christ, we find all the deepest and necessary strength for our lives to care compassionately for others.

Summary

When we are love driven, we are dedicated to distributing God’s kindness to our wives. We trust God to take care of our own needs and desires.^[5] Our spouse might be tired, pregnant, mean, sick or just plain distracted. We still seek to fulfill her special needs. We pray, help, encourage, buy flowers, etc. Our goal must not be to get sex but to focus on caring for our wives’ special needs.

D) Questions on Unconditional Love

Before we go on to the summary and application, we need to answer a few questions that are often used to distract us from the commitment to love that God asks us to make.

1) What about the guy? How is he going to be fulfilled?

The question in long form is, "What if a husband devotedly loves his wife, and she simply doesn't fulfill his needs?" There is fear that the man will face a totally barren life if all he does is love and is not loved back. Perhaps in his worse moments he would even go further in his thinking,

"God would not create such a terribly miserable situation,
and if He by any chance does, I'm not going to be part of it."

When a person asks this question, he probably has a belief problem that ultimately ends up in selfishness. He doesn't have enough faith in God to trust God's design. God has promised to care for man as long as he obeys Him.

2) Can I actually love if I am not being loved?

Fear from the world of psychology is instilled in those who suffer modern education. This view strongly states that if our basic needs are not being met, then we cannot love another. This kind of 'mental' reservation holds men back from loving. This path of thought becomes an easy excuse to indulge in one's lust. Although the observations might seem to make sense, they go quite contrary to God's rule. The reason is this.

Men are designed to give. Husbands are made to give of themselves in love. If you do not step out in faith to love, then you will step back in fear to lust. The command in the Bible for husbands to love their wives overrules any of his fears. If we fear God more than any other thing, then we will obey God even if we have doubts and unknowns about our particular circumstances.

3) Doesn't the wife need to love?!

After extensively hearing about the husband's responsibility to love his wife, he might begin to get a bit insecure and speak out the question on his mind, "What about the wife's obligation to love?"

First of all, we need to remember that even if she doesn't love in return, our commitment to love never changes. Of course, we all desire our wives to love us. This makes life so much more delightful. I sometimes wonder though, whether the Lord often uses the wife we choose to chastise us. In other words, He uses difficult wives for difficult husbands. When sharpening a tool, the rougher parts of the job require a rougher instrument; the final touching up requires a much more delicate tool.

But secondly, let me go on and say there is a life truth from this teaching for all of us: men and women, single and married. We must not miss it. God establishes marriage so that all of us can familiarize ourselves with God's unconditional love. The wife should not go away thinking she need not love her husband. We understand from Jesus' teaching that we all ought to devotedly love one another. The truth is that everyone is called to love. Men are challenged to a higher more devoted love because of the intense and close marriage relationship.

4) Why are men so slow to follow Christ’s example of God’s love?

Men learn so slowly. The problem is that many of us have not had a good fatherly example. The second problem is that the only other way we will familiarize ourselves with God’s great love is by deeply getting to know and obey God. His example of how He deals with us is ever so evident.

How many times does God have to specially provide help, guidance, strength and protection for us to be convinced of His love? Are we not forgetful, stubborn and unbelieving?! His love is based on principle and not what we deserve.

His giving has set love in motion on earth. The divine love of God through Christ is the sublime example of love that greatly touches the hearts of those enabled to understand. Every husband is called to replicate this sacrificial love to his wife. Ephesians 5:33 says, "Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself..."

5) Does the single man need to love?

Even single men need to live by love rather than lust. The commitment to sexual purity means you acknowledge you are God's agent of love in the world. If you are to reflect God’s love, then you must live a sexually pure life.

Since love is a ruling agent for all Christians, it is love that needs to shape a man's thoughts toward women in general. Women are not to be thought of in terms of how they delight our eyes. No. no. This is not good. That woman is reserved for some other man. God has not given that woman to us.^[6] Love respects that. We stand back and simply pray for her future husband.

A good side benefit develops when single young men choose to live a life of love. They can see much more clearly what kind of wife they ought to marry! They are not deceived by looks. They are looking for godly qualities.

6) How does this command to love relate to overcoming a man’s sexual lusts?

In the end, the choice is between love or lust, or more clearly between God or self. Marriage has helped flesh out what kind of love we need to fight this war with lusts. If we love, we will not lust. We will not like our lusts. We will be repulsed by its hideousness. However, if we neglect to choose love and the source of love–God, we will default to lusts.

A great marriage tolerates no seductive pictures and movies. Why? They are fuel for the lust factory. Toleration of lustful thoughts reveals that one is not loving his wife. True love finds full contentment in his own wife. He might be tempted during challenging times to think elsewhere but in his determination to love his wife, he rejects those thoughts and delights himself in his wife even if it means waiting an indefinite period.

Although we might think that what we do now is better than before, we should not fool ourselves. A little less porno is not good enough! We do not look for improvements but eradication. Improvements can lull us into dangerous waters.

Choosing to love is our choice. We absolutely cannot love as God has designed being close to Him. He has designed for us to function this way. A choice to love is a choice to call upon God in His great and abundant mercies to seize our hearts with a selfless passion like His. Can there be a greater decision than to take our greatest joy in imitating God's love in this desperate world?! Definitely not.

7) What do I do when my wife doesn’t think I loved her?

Many marriages are not good. Mistrust has built up. When steps of unconditional love are first taken, the wife may be a little skeptical of your motives - probably with good reason.

Don't be defensive and especially don't be offended. Just continue to quietly love. Love unconditionally. Love forever. Love is going to be what rules your mind and thoughts from now on. But you can be sure, as a Christian, God is always willing to help you. Sacrifice might be required. Be willing to give and even to die in your love for your wife. This unconditional love is the heartbeat of a great marriage.

8) Can my love hold out?

There is a fear which seems more earnest but similarly devilish. Some husbands demand to know “Can this kind of love last if I don’t get any encouragement back from my wife?” This person wants to have this kind of love but is not sure that he has all that he needs to properly carry it out.

This question is good because it reminds us that our wife is not the source of love. She might make our experience of loving her more exciting and enthralling, but once she becomes the source or strength of our love, then know for sure it is short-lived.

People will always disappoint us. We must not make decisions according to how they respond to us. We must make the right decisions about how to act according to the truth of God’s Word. Perhaps the real question is whether or not we can be sure of sufficient wisdom, strength and love from God to meet the needs of the kinds of people we are expected to love. Read on to learn how to tap this source of enduring love.

True love and faith grow together. One cannot love unless one has great trust in God's design of marriage. He has to believe that God will somehow use that love to accomplish His greater purposes even if it doesn't seem apparent at the moment of crisis. Lust and fear also grow together. Fear will cause a man to forget about his commitment to his wife and usually in self-pity focus on himself. Usually this has sexual ramifications.

E) Source of Love: God’s design of man

There are two sources for gaining this persistent love:
1) God’s design and 2) God’s calling.

The source of love comes through the knowledge of how God has designed us as men. Many of the doubts we have today are because we are no longer convinced that we are designed to love. In fact, for many men this is a new concept. There is always a sense of satisfaction that occurs when we are fulfilling our purpose. This satisfaction is the opposite of the emptiness that comes when man lives contrary to what he was designed for. God's satisfaction gives a sense of reward, encouragement, dignity and renewed strength. It is fulfillment itself.

When it comes to the ability to love a grouchy, upset and possibly frigid wife, we need to go back to our calling and design. This is what we are supposed to do. God made us for it. How does it work?

Love is the opposite of lust. Lust is only temporarily satisfied. And then it demands fulfillment again and again. Guys brag, but did you ever hear anyone bragging about how badly they felt afterwards?! Nope.

Love is the opposite. Love is fulfilling even if we do not get any nice response.^[7] Why? Love is a spiritual life principle built into the world and our lives. A person gains a sense of fulfillment merely by giving of himself. The drive for love is giving. Giving then provides more inner fuel for more love.

When I fix my gutters, I need to climb a 30+-foot ladder. Every time I come down I hope it is my last time to go up that ladder. How do I get up there without fear paralyzing me?

*  I see other men climbing tall ladders.

*  I look at the instructions on the ladder that assure me that the ladder can hold my weight.

*  I also remember that I was up on that ladder before, and it held me up fine.

If I didn't have confidence in the ladder, I would leave it in its storage place. But confidence in its design enables me to do things that I would otherwise not do.

Great marriages are built by men who brave the unknown by trusting in God's design of marriage. We don't have all the love that our lives will need at once. But more love comes as we presently give of ourselves. The husband needs to give. Turned away? Rejected? Be patient. Love again. Turned back again? Criticized? Keep loving. Love endures.

When does it end? When the situation is difficult, we look for an end to it. This is normal. Nobody likes such difficult hardships. We might hope for a 'pop' change that all of sudden makes it easier. They sometimes come, but they are not solutions to a love that does not endure.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:7-8a).

As we endure in our love for our wives, we will see one of two possible things happen.^[8] Because of our marriage covenant, we are committed to our wives no matter what.

Possibility #1 Breakthrough

Ephesians 5 indicates that a husband's consistent love can melt down the distrust of his wife. Christ's love causes the church to be more devoted to God. In a similiar way, a husband's consistent and unselfish love causes a wife to grow in her beauty.

"Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;
that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25-27, NASB).

God can use our consistent love to help strip away our wives’ flaws. A husband's love is to be so constant that it wears down the dam of distrust. By God’s grace, she slowly begins to understand what she never could before: genuine love.

Wives brought up with criticism or indifference, for example, have a difficult time believing someone truly loves them. She suspects her husband’s motives. During times of crises, the wife can gain a glimpse of genuine love through her husband’s persistent loving behavior. Her shell of distrust begins to soften. She begins to slowly understand how someone can truly love her just from devotion rather from what they can get from her.

At that point she will begin to become increasingly receptive. A new sense of trust has been stirred. Her spots and wrinkles are being ironed out. She responds to his gestures and words of love. More will be said of this in the next session.

Possibility #2 Endurance

The second possibility is more difficult to accept. God is entrusting a few husbands with the opportunity to love their wives without seeing much, if any, change. It is much like a soldier who goes out to war. If he primarily is watching out for his own life rather than his buddies, then he makes a very poor soldier. He is a threat to others. He cannot see how the ultimate goal of the war is of more importance than his own life. However, if he is willing to give his life for the sake of a greater good, then he becomes a brave soldier. Fears do not control him. His reward will be found in the life after this one.

Some might think this is too much for God to ask of us. We are a sissy generation of men. Bravery and courage are obscured by the darkness of selfish pleasure. We have no greater goals that call us beyond our immediate sensual pleasures.

God's own Son, Christ Jesus, however was asked to love an obstinate people. This love saw no instant reward. His disciples fled from Him in His darkest hour. He even saw Peter deny Him. God, however, caused a greater good to come from His sacrificial love. The same will be true for us too. God always greatly uses enduring love even if we cannot see the results of it here on earth.

We cannot see the whole picture from this side of life. We must not insist on seeing it. Some of us like Hosea will be asked to love during the most trying circumstances. His wife ran off several times prostituting herself to others. Others like Job will need to love their wives even when they themselves are in desperate need. He lost his children and was plagued with a horrid disease. His wife did not support him during this time.

Christ lived out love because it was the right thing to do. He was called to do it. Did God's people deserve it? Not at all. Husbands likewise are called and designed to give themselves for their wives in unconditional love. Each husband is called to offer that sacrifice of self. We simply must accept God’s decision on when to show its fruit. Every husband should love his wife with a life–long love. This is sacrificial, unconditional love.

Summary.

If we are going to run the race, then let us run to win. We need a picture of what it means when we cross that line. The Lord will come to us and say, "Good and faithful son, Well done!" We will be able to flash back through our lives to the times when we threw away our idols of self-indulgence and burned them in a sacrifice of self. We pledged ourselves to live according to His design for our lives no matter what the cost.

Any real and holy love for our wives should begin before we get married. In anticipation of giving your whole self to your wife, you must maintain purity in thought, word and deed. Youth must be used to master self-control. She loves to know that she is special. The more vibrant this pre-marriage purity, the easier the 'distrust meltdown' will come.

As His men, we must make the calculated decision to spread God's amazing and powerful love to our wives and this world. I choose to love. Do you?

Appendix

A husband's pledge

“God has made me to love you my wife, truly and unselfishly. He has designed me so that every part of me can fully devote itself to you. I want your wedding dreams of that one man who would always and only love you to come true. I am that faithful man for you.

At the very end of my earthly life, the Lord will know that I have been pure in my desire to wholly love you both before and during marriage. In faith I want to test the very foundational principles God has implanted in this universe when He made it. My mission will be to love you my wife as Christ has loved the church.

God has called me to brightly shine as the torch of His love in your life. Whether in poverty or wealth, youth or old age, in sickness or in health, I am determined to love you. Whether you, my dear, will be able to accept my love doesn't matter. I will constantly love and cherish you. I want my love for you to reflect Christ's love for His people. True love gives birth to great hopes.”

A prayer of the husband

“Dear Father in Heaven, I declare a holy war against my lusts. I have chosen the sure weapon of your enduring love. I have been designed to love. Away with the infernal selfish pleasure that betrays my loyalty to my God and wife! Away with each thought that would lead me into its condemned and greedy claws! Your time is gone.

I choose to love a pure love. I choose to live with a holy focus on my wife. I want with my love to penetrate the dark doors of death and confusion. With my constant and dedicated commitment to my wife I want to strip away all the fears and doubts that have been laid on her poor soul.

God fill me with your Spirit. Cleanse my soul of sin for your calling is high and lofty. Grant that I may live fully devoted to my specially chosen woman. I have only one wife. I want only one wife. By your divine grace and example, I will give her and her alone my constant care as long as we both shall live.

And now, Lord I ask that you would protect what is so great and beautiful. Lift up what is glorious so that hope, joy and love can again touch our miserable hearts. Let me join this race to run for your glory and nothing else. Lead me, Lord, with your precious example into a constant and flowing river of giving acts and words toward my wife. May I be pure, loyal and responsible. And may the glorious love of God be revealed on earth in and through my love for my wife. By the grace and blood of Christ, God's only Son, I pray. Amen.”

Study Questions

1.     What is the first life principle for a great marriage?

2.     List three words that describe this principle. How do they differ?

3.     Have you taken steps to live by the principle of love?

4.     Have you felt cheated by following the path of lust? How so?

5.     Do you feel you deserve God’s love? Why or why not?

6.     Share an incident that reminds you of an experience of God's love.

7.     Why must love forgive? Have you completely forgiven your spouse?

8.     What about the situation where a husband is not fulfilled? What should he do?

9.     What should we tell the husband who says his love cannot hold out?

10.  How does God help sanctify a wife through a husband’s faithful love?

11.  What should you do if your wife refuses to respond to your love? For how long?

12. Make a pledge to love your wife with an unconditional agape love.

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